Make your own free website on Tripod.com

The 'Puter Humor Page

~~~ Microsoft Inovates again! ~~~

REDMOND, Washington -- Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" which will clear up space on users' hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,842,597 iterations of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, as well as several multi-megabyte files containing nothing else (the so-called ego.dll series), etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space.

Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement.

"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.

Gates denied that the move was because of problems with the alleged long filename support in Win95 which still uses 8.3 filenames underneath. He did admit, however, that "MICROSO~1" did look a little ugly. Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of Moft Off for Moft Win 95. - Compiled by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org - Original Source Unknown

* Joke Compilations (c) 1997; Permission granted to forward, or post on other lists/sites; if this notice is fully included, thanks! ~~~~~~~~~ Archives at: http://GraceWeb.org/Laugh-A-Lot!/ ~~~~~~~~~~~

When the end of the world arrives, how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE

Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

More 'Puter Humor

...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Department of Redundancy Department
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Real programmers don't document. "If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!

--original author(s) unknown

...and more from the wonderful people at Laughalot:

"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little." - Porterfield


Are you terrified of your computer? Do you feel out of place and overwhelmed when your friends or coworkers start spouting reams of technical jargon that you will never understand? Then this article is for you! Now you can impress your friends and get over your fear of technical terminology with...

~~~ The Techno Terms Dictionary ~~~

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

- Compiled by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org
- Original Source Unknown
* Joke Compilations (c) 1997; Permission granted to forward, or post on other lists/sites; if this notice is fully included, thanks!
~~~~~~~~~ Archives at: http://GraceWeb.org/Laugh-A-Lot!/ ~~~~~~~~~~~

Back ~ Home ~ Still More Humor